so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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