Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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