I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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