Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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