She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
