Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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