At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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