i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
