Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
