i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
