i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
