get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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