so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
