yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
