she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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