I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
