We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
