nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
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your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
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He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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