the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
