Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
