my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
