I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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