I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I won't apologize to a one balled man
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
