smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
