Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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