just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i came on her dog
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
