I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It's blow job season.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
