This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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