wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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