I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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