I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
