This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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