i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
where does the pee come out of this thing
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
