3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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