they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
