Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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