I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
