he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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