if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
