i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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