your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
