he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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