I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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