I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
