I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
