and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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