can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
