Need sex. Gaining weight.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
