1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
