If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
