She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
