plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
