i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
