Already got asked if we're dating
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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