fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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