this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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